HELLo.

Okay, so I have had the best Christmas vacation ever. Julian gave me a nice present and I got to hang out with him on Christmas. I got that job at the grocery store awhile back... did I forget to mention that? I started working on Life After again, but only with rewriting the chapters...again. I think I should edit a chapter, then write a new one, but the problem is that I have no idea what I have written or how much or where I am. Plus the whole plot can change between the editing and such so whatever.

I know your worth it...

I need a hug. Just today... it sucks. Big time. Everything feels so confusing right now, I mean I want to see, but I don't want to see them. I have such a good thing going right now, and I don't want to screw it up, but still I can't help but wonder what is/could be...

"What use is it to you, what is on my mind?"

Day 4

Jeez... mom and I totally got into it last night. I think it's cause of the crap that's been going on at school and all, but still. I hated it, I mean, it was the absolute WORST fight we have had in a looong time. As it turns out, we have some problems with me taking the college classes. The books are totally unaffordable, or thats what it feels like at least, and I've been really busy since school started. Monday I went to spirit night, Tuesday I went to try to get a job and picked up Julian to come over, Wednesday I went to a dentist appointment and then to church. (I have 6 cavities, and oddly, I feel proud of myself.) But I really hate how school and jobs put so much stress on the home life, it's like everything has become so hard and it's not so easy to get along with people at the house.

Did I mention that tomorrow is the first football game? I'm super stoked about that, but I'm sure my ex will be there again, and I'll have to treat him like crap or Jules will get mad, and me and Jules will fight, like normal. I really hate the way that I treat him, but I can't help it. 

Day 3

So it's about 3 days into the school year and I'm starting to calm down. Yesterday I had a total breakdown and started to cry. Yea, I know, I'm a crybaby, but I couldn't help it. I'm getting used to the new school, it has it's advantages and its downsides as well. For example, we have stairs, and I have a big problem with stairs that has already been proven in front of the whole school. O.o I totally busted my ass on them the very first day, but on the upside, there are much, MUCH, better school facilities now. I knew the old school better and it felt like my home, but here we have a kick butt auditorium. There, you knew where every single class was and you weren't lost or disoriented all the time, (sometimes I will forget that I am on the second floor because both the first and second floors are in the same layout) and here, we have more classes and have more opportunities to learn. There wasn't a second floor there, (did I happen to mention that?) and here its so much cleaner.

But about the breakdown, it's just typical teenage crap but Monday I saw my ex, at Spirit Night and it totally stressed Julian out, which in turn, stressed me out. (btw he HATES that guy) I fell down the stairs, got lost about 3 times, got griped out for something stupid by my mom, and just had to deal with a buttload of people that I just don't like. Then Tuesday, I got the wonderful experience of reliving the wonderful case of the Mondays, because I had to air up my tires since they don't seem to like to function correctly, and do lots of junk the night before so I probably got maybe 3 hours of sleep. I had to deal with people I JUST DON'T LIKE, got lost, got stressed out cause of my books (we haven't ordered them yet) and got in a fight with Julian, (for the second day in a row which isn't surprising) and I didn't get to do everything that needed to be done yesterday... but the good thing is: I got a yearbook. :D

Ooh baby I'm a fool for you.

So... I got my check in earlier. It's for $55 and I can't wait to cash it. It's my first paycheck ever, and even if it's not a lot, I'm happy. That means I don't have to bug my parents for money for a bit. YAY! It only took a couple of weeks to get here too! O.o Right now, I figure my employer owes me $40 now. He won't send me another check till I do one more assignment for him though. Every five cards/whatever I make he sends me a check. I still have to do another thing that can be done right now and he could send me the money, but I just don't wanna! (In case you can't tell, I'm lazy as Sid) 

School is starting on Monday. I can't seem to wait for that now. Every year I get so hyped up on going back that I can't sleep. I think I'm going to make a trip to the local pharmacy and pick up some sleeping medication. I don't want to go to school on 2 hours of sleep and a mesely cup of coffee/Monster. I am looking forward to this new school year for many reasons:

1.) I have Dr. Sue this year again. I'm taking web page design.

2.) I'm taking 3 college courses 

3.) I might have two jobs

4.) We have a new school.

5.) I got a cute wardrobe that doesn't make me look like I'm in the 8th grade. :D

6.) I get out two periods early

7.) I get to see Julian every day!

Well, there a couple of things in there that I AM  worried about, but I am excited about them as well. Like the two jobs and the college courses. This will be my busiest year I have ever done, and I have found out recently that I LOVE to be busy. Wanna know why? Because when I am out doing things, I eat less. A lot less, it's like, in all the excitement, I forget to eat. Isn't that weird? But I am totally looking forward to a new school, our old one wasn't fit to let terrorists live in there, and that's pretty bad. I know this sounds so... poorish but we are gonna have a two story school. I've always wanted to have a school like that, but with the immature idiots that live in this town, more that one person will be pushed down them. I guess that's why we never really had one before...

And another thing: I will have time to work IN school, because of Dr. Sue. He gives us like, 20-30 minutes of work a day and then we get to do whatever. Last year I took his Photoshop class and look where it got me. I have a job doing what I love to do: Photoshop stuff. So I can get my work done IN school, and get out early cause I'm in the Work Co-Op program.

1. College English

2. College Algebra

3. College Economics

4. Webpage Design

5. Personal Finance

6. Work Co-op? / Applied Music

7. Nothing? / Work Co-op

8. Nothing

That's my schedule for next year the question marks are the changes the counseler should be making to my schedule cause I talked to her about it. If I want out for two hours then I have to have more than 15 hours a week of work. For one hour at least 10.

Well, I have to go now, Julian's coming over and I kinda don't want to put this before him, so see ya!

It's almost like it never happened... I wish!

I'm going to go see G.I. Joe tonight with my Julian. I can't wait really just seeing him makes me happy. Well, sometimes. We have a typical teenage relationship right now. Lots of fights and all. It makes me sad that we can't seem to get along all too well, and it makes me think that we don't belong together. Like God is trying to tell me something. We do get along about 45% of the time, but most we just fight. I think it's cause of our hormones right now, our personalities don't match up right, and I'm just mad at him all the time. You see I have trust issues and every time that I have started to believe that I can trust him, something happens and it destroys everything that I was thinking. It's happened two times before: he left me for another girl, and he broke a serious promise to me. But I'm seriously trying to forgive him and forget about her, because all that she has done is drive a wedge in between me and him and make it hard for me to trust him. (She was involved in both cases) And she moved away recently so I guess it should be better, but I'm still mad at him for it, and I can't stop being mad because we were actually getting along. I mean for about two weeks we hadn't fought! Not even once, and that's a really big accomplishment for both of us, and then this little succubus came along and destroyed it. I pray that one day I can forgive her for what she has done, and that I can learn to love her as I do everyone else, that I can forgive him and myself.

Wow, I totally started to ramble in this one...

Stuff

Woo hoo!

So the new school year is starting in about 4 days. I will be a senior in a new high school, and I'm so looking forward to it. I am taking 3 college courses at the school and will be upholding two jobs!!! One possibly at a grocery store and another with my mothers cousin, and you'll never guess what it is for... graphic designing! It's the one of the things that I wanted to go to college for and I'm already doing it. Well, it's more of a business card creating type thing but I'm still excited about it. It's what I love to do.

I've had pretty much a full week too. Completely busy!
Monday: Came home from school clothes shopping with my aunt.
Tuesday: Julian came over, I had to buy my own gas :P, and mailed a letter.
Wednesday: Car battery died on me cause I left the stupid light on inside of it, charged it, went to Ennis for groceries, stopped by Jack In The Box, went to church, came home and worked, then worked on moms car till 1.

And today I have to go to Terrell to sign up for classes at TVCC . My mom can't go with me, which was the original plan, but she can't come because she can't be more than thirty minutes away from the hospital since she is on call right now.

350.org

Dream

My whole gallery can be found here: http://canabalisticmonkey.deviantart.com/

Please, Please, respect me and all the hard work that I put into this and credit me if you use this, which to tell you the truth, I would rather you not use it at all....

HELLO

So.... I know I haven't been on here in awhile but whatever. This is for when I feel like writing anyway. So... I turn 17 in a few days... ok more like 2 days but whatever, it's not like I've been counting them....

I've decided that since I haven't worked on my Life After blog in awhile, I'm going to turn it into a place for me to put my digital art on there. Yes, I have been working on my digital art recently. It has gotten so much better too! So, I hope you enjoy it! Or maybe I should put it on here.... I think I will... but first I have to put my name on them....

*These pictures WERE NOT done by me. I got them off of a website called DeviantArt.com. These pictures are by very talented people that go by the name of Ironshod and ShadowUmbre. You can find their work on said website.*

Wounds

And even though you hurt me,

Here I am once again.

I've told you so many times baby,

I'll always be your friend.

And if only you could've seen,

The wounds I'd try to mend,

You wouldn't have set me free,

You wouldn't have left me to defend.

And I pray that we'll never,

Again have to go through this strife.

And that you will never again sever,

My heart with your cruel knife.

And even though we're back together,

And I once again feel alive,
These wounds will last forever,
And teach me to survive.

So... yea. Julian and I got back together. I'm no longer a mess. :) So that's a good thing. I think I'm going to try to post some of my new poetry on here from now on...

?

Wow...

So it's been awhile.

Julian and I got back together.

And I didn't completley disappear off the Blogger website.

I just didn't post for awhile.

Anyways,

I've been typing messages kinda wierd recently.

Like, really wierd.

...

I took the ASFAB test.

Got an 82 on it.

The recruiter said it was really good.

And tried to get me to join the army.

Not for me.

...

I'm going to try to post some more.

And read my story again.

Life After I mean.

I don't even know where I am on it anymore.

I'm thinking about redoing the layout on it.

I don't know.

...

I've the best grades since I was in the 8th grade.

Almost all As.

Thats really good for me.

...

So I'll message later.

Maybe in a couple of minutes.

I think I'm sick

I thought it was true bliss
I thought you were the one
So imagine my suprise
When you told me we were done.
Everything was fine
Moving right along
We were close to a year
Too bad I was wrong.
So now I sit here
Knuckles bleeding, heart shattered
Too bad you don' have the balls
To tell me what was the matter.
I hope your happy
With the mess you've made
Cause I'm broken
And hold the worlds weight.


I hope your crying
Slowly rotting from the inside out.
Your heart is torn.
And is on the floor beating in front of you.
I hope you see your mistake
And break a knuckle against a wall
I hope you cant sleep tonight
And somebody steals me and makes me theirs
And your left alone.

Like how I am now

Can you tell me what I did?
I swear I won't cry
I dont care if it was on a text.
Just tell me why.
Boy, I thought you had some balls
But I guess I was blind.
Was it just a spontanious thing?
Or did I miss the signs?

The evidence right in front of me.
Plain as sight
You left me for her
Isn't that right?
Im not only dead,
Im not only numb,
I'm also feeling
A little bit like scum
So long we were togeter
Close to our anniversary too
How could you?

So for all of those of you who don't know... Julian (boyfriend of 10 months) dumped me Wednesday...

Family's Back

Wow! I mean, just wow. I feel like I'm going to bust with exitement! My cousin, Stuart, has been in Seattle for about a year and now he's finally, FINALLY, coming back! I saw him for the first time in a year today about an hour ago! I was so happy that I teared up while we were sitting there talking, and I had to leave the room. It's so relieving to see him. I've been so worried about him ever since he left. It's been like, part of the family is missing to me, and now everything's better.

I'm sorry if this is kinda scatterbrained. I'm just so excited!!!!

So now that school has started, I have complete and free access to photoshop. Awesome huh? So I want to do some before and after pictures on here and I want you to tell me what you think.
The red one is the before and the purple are the after.

The white is after and the purple are before.

oOoO

Oh my gosh. I am so freaking out. I signed up for the PSAT test at school, and I got online to study a little bit, and I found out... I'm not as smart as I think I am. I am like, super-stupid, cause I don't even remember how the heck to do simple things like equations and crap like that.

Oh...My....GOD! Like, superhyperventalliating over here.

Anyways, I've been really super lazy recently. I mean really lazy. I have the seventh chapter all written out and all, all I have to do is type and edit it. I think I'll try to do that this weekend...

I love you so much....

Wow, I just realized how long it's been since I got on here. I've been serisouly neglecting my blog, oops! But school has just been so hectic and all. My concentration has won me off though, my grades are pretty good for the first time in 2 years. Yea... I have a short attention span in school. =)


But reallly, you wanna know what is total bs? Ok, you remember that one guy that I went out with that showed up at school? Well, he and his girlfriend broke up, and she went through his old emails AFTER they broke up. She printed them out and asked me about this one thing that he kept on saying to me in the emails. Which was that he would love me forever, I made him promise this to me awhile back. But when he says it, he says he's still holding his promise to me, so no one will know what it means or whatever. Well, we were still talking when they (He and Her) started going out, and the first month that Julian and I got together, and it was kinda mushy stuff. >.< So this wonderful person who is no longer going out with him, prints up the emails. And you want to know what that girl did? She gave them to Julian. Yes Julian. She sent some of her preppy ass friends over to our lunch table and they shoved the emails in his face and told him to read them. The entire time, these bitches were SMILING. He said that he knew about them, and when he did, their faces fell so hard I thought they were going to hit the floor. =) But he ended up reading them anyway, because I guess he didn't know. (he said he hacked into my yahoo account and read them) And he's still with me.

I'm so happy that he's so stupid, he said that he was disappointed with me, and I'm still beating myself up for it.

But another thing that happened with this. This girl that I know, Stephanie, is a varsity cheerleader, and those people were cheerleaders. (Suprising huh?) She came up to me today and asked me what was going on, and I guess I had this "look" on, but another friend of mine came up to me, after I told Stephanie to go away in the nicest way I could manage. ("If you don't go the fuck away right now, I will punch your face in.") And the other friend said "Are you ok? You looked like you were about to kick her ass." HAHAHA, yea I was. I wouldn't have minded so much if I wasn't standing within a foot of julian.

Hehehe... i love high school.

"I love you so much you must kill me now" -Marilyn Manson-

Photos

So here's a couple of before and after photos that I worked on in Photoshop... tell me what you think.

It's All A Secret

I missed him. It was as plain and simple as that, but it wasn’t only one thing about him that I missed, it was everything about him.

I missed the way that he would look at me. No matter how he did, small glances, long stares, or just looking’ I loved it. He made feel like I was for once, beautiful, and like I mattered to him. Those moments seemed to last for mere seconds, and they would become the highlight of my day. Secretly, I would stay up late at night, thinking of how I would get to see him, and feel right once again. But this feel right was different, it was true, it was something that I couldn’t explain. It was real this time, and it made me feel like I could carry the weight on my shoulders.

I miss the things that he would notice, and even the things that he didn’t notice. The one thing that I loved the most about what he wouldn’t notice is how I can be so clingy. It should have driven him crazy, but it didn’t. As a matter of fact, he says he wants me to be more attached. I don’t really get him sometimes, it’s like, he doesn’t act like he should. But it’s not in a bad way it’s in a good way.

I miss how he teases me. Little succulent moments where the only thing that matters is him, and he’s the only thing on my mind. The little gasps of air entering my body, only encourage him to make it worse for me. He’d lift me up into a world or pure euphoria that I couldn’t even access in my dreams. The way he knows all of the weak spots in my walls, and the way he can bring them down in a matter of minutes, of seconds, of movements, only add to my enjoyment.

I miss how his body feels against mine. He’s always so warm, so inviting. I love curling myself into his chest and letting his warmth spread over and around me. The way his hard body feels against mine, and the way he warms me up, gives me a sense of protection. I feel secure when I am with him, like no one can harm me. Like no one can touch me.

Baby, I miss you so much, I can’t wait until the next time I get to see you. You are my life, my muse, my love. Don’t ever hurt me.

My English Teacher Ate It

Wow, so I gave my english teacher my flashdrive today. It had all of my photos and writings on it. (minus valdor my first story blog). I hope she likes it. Shes one of the most inspiring teachers out there. Like that teacher from freedom writers.

But her husband is the art teacher, and he liked some of my photos from last year. :) he said on the first day of school this year that i take amazing pictures. And it's really cool because he doesnt remember my name, but he remembers me by the pictures i take. Honestly, id rather that be it than my name.

I hope they like all of it, she read the first chapter or Life After and said...>ahem<>

but i feel a lot better now. i got to work in photoshop today!!! yea i got to edit pictures and all. i took this picture:

and cleared up their faces. theres nothing wrong with them the way they look. i acatually made their eyes blue the first time i edited it.

buuuut i dont have the finished draft of it, so i cant show yall until tomorrow.... cause my teacher has my flashdrive...

anyways have a good day

Waiting

Waiting

She paced up and down the street wondering where he was. Where who was? She didn’t know. All she knew was that he was coming soon. She didn’t even know how she knew that, it was just there. She didn’t know what had compelled her to stand out in the street at that moment waiting for him. It’s just a little longer, you’ll see him. See who? Her mind was in the middle of a battle between two forces. Instinct vs. rationality. She knew it didn’t make any sense to be standing there in the middle of the night, vulnerable, but something had made her come out there. Instinct had made her, she knew it, and you can’t ignore instinct, even after all of those years of ignoring it. I don’t know why I’m even out here, this is pointless. Just wait, I swear he’s coming. The street was lit by the only lamppost in the neighborhood, and that was about to go out. The light bulb in the socket, was flickering nervously. Her mind was racing, her heart was pumping, her legs were jelly, yet she didn’t know why. All she know was she was here, waiting for him, but the rationality was starting to win the battle, but she couldn’t give up, she couldn’t leave. Not when she was so close to finding him, or he was so close to finding her. Finding who? There’s no one out there, no one coming, you might as well give up. Take one of the regular men, they’ll do just fine. He isn’t coming. She picked her stuff off of the pavement and turned to leave and go back home. NO!!! A voice shouted in her head. Her legs stopped working and she sat down on the warm asphalt. She was becoming irritated, that her instinct wouldn’t let her leave, and that her feet had stopped working. It was cold outside, and she was cold inside and outside as well. Her body was trembling from the freezing weather, and she wanted her warm bed back. Maybe she should give up, maybe this isn’t worth it. It’s too much pain to deal with. She would never find him. She heard the roar of a car and stepped onto the shoulder of the road. It went by, blasting her hair into her face. She smoothed her hair back down and started to leave. No, please don’t give up. I swear he’s coming, just a few more minutes. She didn’t listen this time. She picked up her stuff once again, and turned to walk back into her house, freezing cold. She heard footsteps coming up behind her. Inside of her, a voice sighed and said, Finally. Nevertheless, she reached into her bag to fetch her knife. She turned around to see the source of the footsteps. A silhouetted figure was coming towards her, slowly. It came upon the lamppost and stopped under it. She saw it was a man. The light flickered over him, casting an eerie shadow on his brown hair. Under the lamp, she could see it was a young man, but he had shielded his face, his identity, so she couldn’t see. Her heart was pumping so hard in her chest, she thought it would break through her ribcage. She slowly stared the young man up and down, and came to the conclusion that he wasn’t any threat. She put her knife away, and walked over to him. Careful, he can hurt you. A different voice advised. She stopped under the flickering light, in front of the man. The young woman kissed the top of his head, and pushed his chin up so she could see who he really was. He resisted at first, but finally gave into it. His head slowly came up, and the instant she saw the mans face, she knew that he was the one. She knew that the wait was over, and that he was her true love. The light stopped flickering and shone on the two as bright as ever.